Forgive me
by Kasai Oni Urufu
Summary: Light looks back on his past with L before he dies. kind of AU and OC. in this, season 2 never happened. LxLight. Shounen ai.


I killed him. I killed the one person who challenged me. The one person who could have understood my vision of a perfect world. A world free of crime and murder.

L never gave up. He knew I was Kira. Even when my memories of the Death Note had been erased. It was necessary to kill him; He was in my way. But when he collapsed into my arms my heart broke. My anguished cries of pain were real. I missed him after he was gone.

All my affairs are in order. The successor of my Death Note selected. My now vast estate divided up. I can't do it any more. I can't live without him. I won't. Ryuk said there was no heaven, no hell. Not for me. But nothingness doesn't sound to bad. No pain, no guilt, no pressure. My perfect world is here, and its here for good. I'm not a god. No matter what people say. I'm not a god. I'm just a mortal man. And like most mortal men I fell in love.

I don't know when I fell in love with L. Maybe it was when he outsmarted me with the news broadcast, Maybe it was when he whispered those fateful words "I am L" or maybe, just maybe, it was when that cold piece if metal was locked around my wrist. Sealing him into my life.

Showering was awkward. At first we both refused but after a week the smell of stale unwashed bodies became unbearable. In the end we simply had to shower together. We would shower backs to each other, both of us blushing furiously. This was the one variable that L had not thought through.

I don't know which one of us turned around eventually it was to pick up shampoo or to find the soap but one moment I was washing my hair, the next, I was in his arms. He pushed me against the wall of the shower and looked at me, his piercing eyes searching my soul. Searching for traces of Kira. I stared back at him defiantly, so certain I was innocent, so certain my soul was pure.

My sweet, eccentric genius. My L. I could see in his eyes how much he wanted me. How much he desired me. On some level my soul recognised the emptiness in his heart. A burden we both bore with silent fortitude. I wanted him too. I won't lie about that. The fleeting glimpses of sun starved flesh, the snatches of lithe muscles exposed as he changed clothes. He wasn't "sexy or "hot" or "fit". He was simply beautiful. Every intricate section of translucent skin, every hair upon his head, every quirk he was prone to giving into, was beautiful.

I remember him leaning close his lips millimetres from my own, his chest pressed into mine. So warm and strong. He looked like he was going to kiss me. "we can't do this" I whispered as his unchained arm ensnared my waist. I relished the confusion and hurt in his eyes. "not if you still think I'm Kira."

His head pulled back, "whether or not you are Kira makes no difference to the way I feel" he replied as he pulled ground his hips into mine. "I'd still do this" he pressed his lips against mine, lightly, tentatively as if asking for permission.

I granted it.

I remember deepening the kiss, my hands pulling him closer. I don't know who made the move to the bedroom. A feeling of urgency overtook me. I remember heat and passion and the burning desire, no the burning need for something more. His body touching mine wasn't enough. His lips on mine wasn't enough left a searing trail of blazing kisses down my chest. My nails dug into his back as lust overtook my senses. Fiery paths of heat followed my nails down his pale skin. The fire of our passion threatening to consume us both.

I remember the look on his face when I whispered to him "make love to me." It was like a child who's seeing snow for the first time, or a man stranded in a dessert finding life giving water.

Afterwards I remember the slow panting as we neared sleep. I remember the feelings of completion, of being whole. I remember the soft sigh that escaped his lips as he whispered almost inaudibly, "I love you Kira."

I waited until his breathing had evened out and he was asleep before I whispered "goodnight my L"

Three weeks later he was to die because of me. We both knew it that night as we made love. Maybe that was why we never repeated that night, maybe it was because we didn't want to spoil that perfect night, didn't want to spoil it with messy thoughts of tomorrow and the search for Kira. Maybe though, just maybe, it was because loving each other hurt to much.

L knew it that smoky dusk on the roof. He knew he would die by my hands. That smoky dusk held us as we said our goodbyes. Never with words. What we felt transcended words. He looked into my eyes and knew. He knew I would murder him.

My regret, my only regret, was that he had to die for my cause to live on. One day I hope he will forgive me and love me once more.

"Ryuk" I whispered, "it's time." He pulled out his death note and slowly wrote my name.

"You humans are fun." he laughed as he finished. An exquisite pain blossomed from my chest moments later. "goodbye" I choked out as my vision began to dim. I held a picture of L in my mind, him smiling and laughing and looking at me with those beautiful eyes. I held that image in my mind even after the borders of life a death were blurred and I crossed over. The last word to pass my lips as darkness took over was the one word that meant everything to me.

"Lawliet"


End file.
